super charming bear ears (non fiction)


once upon a time i loved a girl with all my heart that all men loved with all their hearts.

today, all i have to remember her by is a part of the halloween** costume her mother made for her, and grams of tear salt evenly distribted over my pillow case.

although i had to go through hell to make a few grams of tear salt, they are worth hardly anything. the other souvenier, the yellow fuzzy (not furry) bear ears from her costume, however, i have learned have a far greater value. power beyond the scope of science. power to make the most convoluted and impossible part of life an effortless snap. power that money can't buy, the right to and infinite release of pressure. freedom from being lonely, from not being able to have what you want, a license to any heart.

i discovered the power when i needed a little something "kande" to balance out my overly dark and nasty all black junglist flight suit on the way to NRG. i tried a few bandannas, and even my red ear muffs, but none of them did the job. at the last minute, i saw the yellow bear ears that were in retirement since monster massive, where some of my friends and i fell in love with the girl who wore them. i put them on as a joke, but my interest was piqued when i looked in the mirror.

i looked different.

at just the right angle on the back of my head, they added a certain foxyness i do not normally posses. i decided to take them for a test drive.

at NRG, girls i see on a weekly basis went out of their way to let me know that i "looked cute" or that i had a "nice outfit." i do not usually hear things like that, but did not make the connection. until valida, who is usually apathetic towards me, greeted me with a loving, almost sexual, hug. i was flattered, but when the first thing she said to me was "nice ears," i realized that it was not me she was attracted to. i thought that it was too bad that i needed ears to be charming, but on the other hand, who cares? i have the ears, right? right.

so, i dont know if i am charming when i wear the super charming bear ears because:

1) they were the source of katey's charm, and now i have them.
2) because she wore them, and i am like her when i wear them.
3) because katey's mother made them, as she made katey herself
.....(maybe everything katey's mother makes is super charming?)
4) or even that wearing the ears reminds me of katey, and that is enough....

BUT to be simply pragmatic about it, the ears do exist, and they are super charming, and most importantly, i had them.

now that i have realized the power within the ears, what should i do?

on a thursday night i felt bored, ok- lonely, ok- horney, and decided that to put the ears to good use. i figured that if the ears worked at a rave, where girls are focused on dancing, they would work even better at a nightclub where older, more voracious girls put less emphasis on dancing. i wore my classic grey scale camoflauge junglist hoodie, my grey adidas pants, my grey scale junglist cross trainers, and of course the ears.

in line at the club i played it cool when a gorgous girl approached me and pretended she was hiding from her friends. as she wrapped her fingers around my waist, i could feel the ears working. for no good reason she liked me. maybe the ears' innocent charm proved to be disarming, or maybe they were just damn cute, but either way, her attraction was not a surprised.

it just confirmed what i expected.

i did not see her inside, but did manage to convince two other girls to follow me back to my place, a half hour away. we planned to eat pills, or smoke weed, or even drink, but 29 muinutes later thick fog kept made us to loose eachother. i did not regret the missed opportunity, i knew there would be more.

and there were more. at the masterdome i could not walk ten feet without commanding the attention of one of the many girls on E, but that was never hard even without the ears. more impressively, i could charm sober junglist girls, the really hot kind who i could barely keep from drooling over myself. experiments went on for weeks as i tried to figure out exactly what it was i wanted out of all this. adding new girls into my life, or at least my night, was really fun at first, and then just fun, but then just sad. it was easy, but it was meaningless. just the fact that these girls were so easily charmed was enought to make them uninteresting to me. and so the experiment ended.


** = (see biohazard holiday***)

*** = (oh wait, you can't, it is not done yet)