Sunday afternoon most of those who attended HSII were cracked-out and sound asleep, but in the dorms at UCLA (where finals began the next morning), I was trying to read a book titled Ontological Paedomorphisis. No - Im not joking, that really is the title of the book. Needless to say, studying wasnt going too well.
My ears were still ringing, my legs ached, but the worst pain
was in my heart.
|Let me explain . . . theres this certain feeling I get when I hear great music on big speakers. It is the euphoria that is brought on by raving, triggered by the music, and fueled by the vibe. I spent all Saturday night searching for that feeling (usually the feeling finds me as soon as I can feel the bass bumping from inside a party.) Where was it hidden? Had other party kids found it? Had someone (or something) stolen it from me? And most importantly: Was it gone for good????|
|My first hours at HSII were spent traversing from room to room, making certain to find the people I needed to see. Amazingly, I found everyone I was looking for (except Mark) and even had a few surprising guest appearances by friends I never expected to find at a rave. I was appreciating the pretty decorations and loving the sound. It seemed a little too bright, but if nothing else I had the lighting to thank for being able to find all of my friends. HSII was well underway, but still I couldnt silence the feeling that I wasnt a part of this party - that it was going on in spite of me not inside of me.|
|What was I doing wrong? Typically you cant talk me out of a great mood at a party. I even had a blast at OnE Love (2/10/01) by running around (totally sober) and fanning all the epuddles with huge pieces of cardboard. Just give me some music and a few ravers to dance with, and Im the happiest girl on earth. But at HSII something was wrong - and as the night slipped away, I was getting more and more angry with myself for not finding the feeling.|
|Sitting alone on the edge of room 2, shivering and squinting into the blinding light, my energy had dropped and my mood was quickly following suit. Inside my pocket I felt my little bag of pills throbbing against my leg, tempting me, promising to improve my mood and improve this party. Ive always said If you cant have as much fun raving sober as you can rolling, then you shouldnt rave at all. Especially at massives, where there are so many amazing DJs, it seems gratuitous to use drugs. But it was nearly 3am, my heart was growing sad, my legs were growing tired, and Dan was almost done with his set. Both of the friends I had come with had disappeared with boys, and the feeling was still nowhere to be found. So I caved in.|
|Not willing to give up hope on what I anticipated to be one of the best nights of all time, I decided to go searching for the feeling in the one place that happy, friendly, annoyingly enthusiastic people are always sure to be - the trance room. After thirty minutes of tripping over puddles I still had no sign of the feeling and judging from the vacant stares of the other ravers, I couldnt determine whether or not anyone else had either. Disheartened, I decided Id better get near some house (DJ Sneak style) back in room1 before the pill set in and made me stupid. As I got up to leave, who did I find? None other than RDs own Mark!! (Yes, I found Mark in the TRANCE room - oh, the irony!) I was happy to have found Mark and was feeling some energy seeping into my legs, so we set out (with some random guy in tow) to find out how the party was progressing.|
|Usually I can handle my roll, but it wasnt too long before I had forgotten all about finding the feeling. (Pills too Dank, Margo? -37) On my way over to the Jungle room, at 5am, I realized that I missed ALL of Dieselboy's set. I decided that I never wanted to roll at a massive again. I had forgotten about missing the feeling, but Id also forgotten about most of Aphrodites set, and couldnt give you the name of a single record Doc spun. Up until I took my pill, every memory was perfect. After that, things seem a little . . . well, fuzzy. I'm sure that I'll eventually roll at a party again, but not for a good long while.|
Once the sun rose I bumped into my ex boyfriend (!) and some friends from High School, and we stumbled back the car and smoked A LOT. Being as our Buick (unlike Matts invincible Accord) was in no condition to off-road to the freeway, we decided to camp out in the parking lot until nearly 10am before heading back home.
As I lay in the dirt blowing smoke rings and bobbing in and
out of consciousness, my mind kept drifting back to the last
time I was in Perris. JuJuBeats was a night so glorious that
I can say without reserve that it was perfect. Maybe HSII was
only HWIW because I couldnt help but compare the two parties.
Maybe it was because I missed my usual crew who was
back at school studying diligently for finals, but a fear was
growing in my stomach that maybe it was ME.
|Love, Margo (the new girl)|